


petals

by oreob1tch



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Multi, hanahaki, lotta angst i might add, pls, pls read it, yet another hanahaki fic no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-06-06 23:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15206288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oreob1tch/pseuds/oreob1tch
Summary: what does it matterwho cares if his lungs are slowly filling up with water?who cares if his vision is going black as he's trying so hard to keep breathing?No one does.No one cares, he certainly doesn't, because the pain caused by his beloved is worse than this could ever be





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Am I writing this half asleep? Yes.  
> Am I also writing this instead of finishing my other fanfictions? Double yes.  
> Aaaanyway, here's...this i guess? It's a 2jae fanfiction no one asked for but you know, what you gonna do  
> So if you like this mess, leave kudos? Comments? both? give me all the attention no one else is giving me? Please? and thank you.

The first time he coughs up the first petal is during his 20th birthday party. Everything is great, everyone is having fun and he's happy. His best members are by his side and he feels safe and loved. Jackson keeps telling Youngjae about this cucumber salad that he just _has_ to try and the younger one screeches in horror. Jaebum laughs, his chest heavy with happiness. It's only then when Youngjae turns at him and whispers "Save me, hyung" when he realizes that he's lost. Lost in Youngjae's eyes, in the way the younger one smiles or laughs with his mouth wide open. He's lost but at the same time, he found himself. And he gave his entire being to the younger boy. His heart, his mind. He's always been close to the boy but he tried not to think about it. But he can't hide anymore, it's there, crystal clear. He loves him. He's in love with Youngjae. Has been for ages.

A wide smile spreads across his face as the thought crosses his mind. He feels very happy for a moment but then his chest tightens and a pain shoots through his entire body. He falls down on his knees, his throat burning. Coughing, he puts his palms on the ground, his eyes watering as he feels something stuck in his throat. It feels like he's going to suffocate, there's no air and his lungs are burning and there's still this pain right behind his breastbone. He closes his eyes, awaiting the worst, seriously thinking he's going to die then and there.

Everyone is silent, watching him in horror as one single blue petal falls out of his mouth. He blinks. Alarmed, he looks up, only to see his friends staring at him with wide eyes. He opens his mouth to speak up when the pain shoots up his spine again, settling in his chest and he gasps, before bending over once again, couching until his throat burns from being dry. Then, a flower falls out. Then another. He can't breathe, he realizes, before he gags on another flower trying to get through. Then everything goes black.

***

 _The first time he saw Youngjae, he was in a practice room. The boy walked in with wide eyes and biting on his lower lip. He looked_ adorable _with his chubby cheeks and awkward posture. He was new, Jaebum could tell since he'd been there for few years now and he had never seen that guy before. Jinyoung poked his shoulder to get his attention and Jaebum smiled at him before turning around once again only to find out the newbie staring back at him. Jaebum smiled at him too and the newbie blushed and turned around to look at the dance instructor, as if he wasn't just staring at the blonde. Jaebum thought it was actually pretty cute._

_After the class, Jaebum decided to come up to him to introduce himself but the newbie disappeared before he actually got the chance. He didn't think much of it and didn't even think about him for the rest of the day as Jinyoung kept him occupied, talking about the new choreo. Then the other guys came around, Jackson, Mark and...Bam was his name? All three were foreigners and it looked like they're actually good friends. Jaebum didn't consider them his friends yet, the only one who he really cared deeply about and who he trusted was Jinyoung since they were like real brothers._

_"Did you saw the new guy?" Bam asked in his very heavily accented broken korean and Jinyoung nodded. "Not the best dancer but a quick learner."_

_Jaebum noticed that too. The newbie's moves were a bit awkward but he learned the steps quickly. What he lacked in talent, he got with his hard work. The older admired that._

_"I heard him sing." Mark spoke up and that alone was a miracle since Mark barely talked. "He has a voice of an actual angel, I'm telling you."_

_"Yeah I heard that too."  Jackson nodded. "With a talent like this, it won't take long for him to debut." Which could be true, the big boss had a huge soft spot for his litte talented puppies, but no matter how possible it was, it wasn't certain._

_"That's not fair." Jaebum whined halfheartedly. "We've been here for way longer. We deserve a  debut."_

_"We already debuted, you idiot." Jinyoung rolled his eyes. "It just didn't work out." Jaebum winced at the mention of their little project. He was so naive for thinking that they could actually stay like that, as this weird duo of theirs._

_"Maybe he will end up with you guys. You know, as Hyunwoo huyng would." Jackson said and Jaebum smiled softly, barely visible to the others. That would actually be really nice. At least he would get to know him. So far it looked like he wouldn't get a chance any time soon._

***

When Jaebum opens his eyes, everything is way too bright for a second. He groans and blinks several time to actually focus on where he is.

It's a room, obviously, very much white and it smells weird. Clean but weird. Chemically, almost.

_oh no._

He sits up and winces at the dull pain in his head. He doesn't like it. Both the pain and the fact that he's in a freaking hospital.

The doctor walks in, bunch of papers in his hands, and smiles sadly at Jaebum when he sees he woke up.

"Feeling any better?"

"I feel like I got something stuck in my throat. I had this crazy dream that I started coughing and coughed up a flower." he chuckles but the laugh freezes at his lips when he sees the doctor's expression. "It wasn't a dream, was it."

The fact that the doctor nods is even more alarming than the fact that he actually coughed up a flower. _A flower_ of all things. Where the marble he swallowed when he was five? Why can't he cough up that?

"Are you going to tell me what is going on or do I have to ask Google?"

The doctor sighs, sitting at the foot of Jaebum's bed.

"Ever heard of the Hanahaki disease?" he asks and Jaebum shakes his head. He's never heard of it until now and he still partly thinks that it's fictional, whatever the disease actually is.

"Mister Lim, this disease is.... a bit of a mystery for us doctors too, I'm not going to lie to you. We don't know why does someone get it or how to prevent it. But it's here and it's in you."

Jaebum swallows the lump in his throat. "So what is it?"

"There's a...tree, growing in your body. and sooner or later, it will kill you."

It's way too straight forward but it answers his question.  And not even that. It will kill him. He's going to die. He's twenty, for god's sake. What is this?

"Why...why? Why me? How...can I stop it?"

The doctor sighs and rubs his forehead in what seems like anger. Well Jaebum is not surprised, he's pretty much angry himself.

"We can't answer why. I'd like to tell you, trust me, but I have no idea. None of us have actually."

Jaebum feels like screaming but his chest is heavy and breathing hurts. He can feel his eyes watering. "Is there a cure?"

There's a small smile on the doctor's lips and Jaebum's heart skips a beat. He has a chance!

"Well tell me, Mister Lim, are you currently in love with someone?"

Jaebum smiles widely at the thought of the young vocalist. He nods. The doctor smiles just as widely. "As weird as it can sound, seems like being loved back by the one you're head over heels in love with can cure this thing."

There's a small knock on the door and the doctor stands up, adjusting his coat. "I believe your friends are here to see you."

Jaebum can't stop smiling because that means he will see Youngjae. The man that can actually cure him.

But there are seven people entering the room and Jaebum frowns at the girl that he has never seen before but that got into his room somehow. His lungs start to burn but he doesn't pay any attention to it.

"How are you feeling?" Jinyoung asks, obviously worried. He sits down on the bed, close enough to the older man, to be ready to help if anything goes wrong, but not too close because he knows that the older one needs personal space. Jaebum doesn't even look at him. "Who is she?"

Youngjae takes her hand. "This is Jiyoon. She came here with me."

"But WHO is she?" he says, suddenly very upset over the fact that she's holding hands with Youngjae.

"Oh..yea..I wanted to introduce her under better circumstances but....she's my girlfriend."

Jaebum's vision goes black as he starts choking on yet another flowers trying to get through his throat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why hello, yes I'm alive.  
> Life's been keeping me busy.   
> Here you have a poor excuse of a chapter.  
> If you enjoy this mess or if you just want to tell me something nice in the comments, please feel free to do so.

_"Hey! Stop! You! Black hoodie!" People kept staring at him as he ran down the hall. "Choi Youngjae!"_

_The said boy stopped in his tracks and turned around, smiling shyly. "Hyung?"_

_Jaebum stopped running, palms on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. "Damn you're fast."_

_Youngjae chuckled nervously. "How can I help you?"_

_The older of the two had actually no idea why he was running after the boy in the first place. Maybe because it's been weeks since Youngjae joined the company and they hadn't even talked yet. He just wants to get closer to him._

_"Maybe we could go to vocal practice together?" he suggested and he could swear that Youngjae blushed a little bit._

_"I promised Wonpil hyung I would go with him...but you can join us," he explains and Jaebum's heart sinks._

_"Oh...okay. Then we can go some other day, right?" He was about to turn around and walk back when Youngjae grabbed his forearm and lets go when Jaebum looks at him._

_"Would you like to have a lunch with me? Tomorrow, perhaps?" The biggest grin spreaded on Jaebum's face as he nods. Youngjae smiled just as wide. "Cool, see you tomorrow then, hyung." he bowed his head slightly before leaving and Jaebum just stood there, in the middle of the hall, trying to calm down his heart that was trying to jump out of his ribcage.  
***_

One petal by another. Sea of blue. Youngjae watches in horror as his hyung, his _best friend,_ keeps coughing up flowers. Flowers for fuck's sake.

The doctor rushes in, running towards Jaebum's bed where the boy is slowly turning purple from the lack of oxygen. He forces his mouth to open a little wider and reaches down his throat with his index and middle finger, taking a hold of the whole flower, pulling it out. Jaebum wheezes as his lungs slowly start filling with air again. The vocalist is staring at the doctor's fingers that are still holding the flower, blood slowly dripping down onto the floor.

"You all need to leave, now. Mister Lim needs to rest."

But Youngjae is going nowhere. "I'm not going until you tell me what's wrong with him."

"You need to leave Mister Choi, I'm afraid you don't have a choice. Your presence just makes everything worse."

Jiyoon squeezes his hand but he flinches and steps away from her. " _My_ presence?!"

Jaebum coughs weakly, suddenly looking five years older and very very tired. "Youngjae, please, just go."

Jinyoung tugs on the vocalist's sleeve and he leaves, ignoring Jiyoon and his members. His presence is making everything worse? He's probably the only one who's actually worried about him!

***

The less he's thinking about Youngjae, the less it hurts, Jaebum notices. But it's hard _not to_ think about the younger boy when he's literally the reason he's so miserable in the first place. Now he doesn't want to blame him for the disease or for anything, really. It's not like he knows. It's not like any of them could have known. But the doctor was right, Youngjae's presence was making him feel worse and just thinking about the visit makes him want to vomit.

There's this neverending ticklish feeling behind his breastbone, where the tree blooms. If he focuses hard enough, he can feel the blossom opening and slowly falling off the three only to get stuck in his windpipe.

He forces himself to open his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. He's tired, was fed several different painkillers and sleeping pills but he doesn't want to sleep. He's scared to fall asleep.

The respirator tickles in his nose but it helps him breathe so he's not complaining. Not that it would change anything. He's dying anyway.

Youngjae was his only chance to get better. It doesn't matter if anyone else loves him. He needs Youngjae to love him, to love him _back._ And he just wants to scream, to cry and yell at him, to confess, to hug him and then to cry a bit more.

He's barely twenty years old. And he'll never get any older.

***

_Youngjae screamed at the top of his lungs at which everyone laughed, he was such a baby when it came to scary things, scary movies, or even dumb scary ghost stories. Yet Jaebum couldn't help but to smile a little bit too warm when the younger one looked at him with wide eyes and mouth agape._

_"Is that real? Did it really happen?" he asked Jaebum even though it was Jackson who had told them the story few minutes ago. The leader shrugged his shoulders._

_"I don't know, why don't you find out by yourself?"_

_"By going to that forest? Are you crazy? I'd die."_

_"We'll all die, Youngjae," Jinyoung chuckled. The younger rolled his eyes, grabbing his blanket even tighter.  It was a nice night, it was warm enough to stay out for a bit but it was still almost winter and Jaebum couldn't feel his toes. Not that he would tell anyone because they all seemed to have a really good time._

_He glanced at Youngjae who was still holding onto his blanket for dear life and he looked so cute that he wanted to hug him and kiss his temples._

_Weird._

_"So... We're debuting in like six weeks." Mark spoke up and everyone looked at the oldest. "How do you all feel about it?"_

_Jinyoung opened his mouth to say something but Jackson covered it with his hand. "Not you, you already went through that."_

_Jaebum laughed, loud and clear. How he felt about debuting? He was happy. But how he felt about debuting with them? With these people? Words couldn't describe._

_Their maknae tugged on the sleeves of his oversized jacket and smiled shyly. "I'm just really glad I get to spend the next ten or more years by your side, hyungs. I'm glad I get to be with my best friends." He looked at Bam who just chuckled and pulled in the gigantic maknae into a hug. This felt nice. This felt right and natural. He could stay like this forever. Or at least for the rest of his life._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo guys, I'm actually trying to update lol are you proud?

Youngjae throws the papers on the table and Jinyoung looks up. "What is that?" The pile lays there, heavy despite it being only few pages. Words scribbled and scratched, highlighted and underlined. The red ink looks almost angry.

"I looked up what's wrong with Jaebum hyung. And it's serious, hyung. He's dying." His voice cracks at the end and the older can tell that he's shaking inside. That he's furious and scared.

"I know." Jinyoung states, his eyes not leaving Youngjae's. "I looked it up too."

Youngjae's chest tightens. How can he say that so casually? His best friend is dying! And he acts like nothing is wrong! He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. "So you know that he can get better, right? Only if we get the person that he loves to love him back-"

Jinyoung puts his hand over the younger one's. "It's not that easy. He doesn't have that much time left, Jae, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?! What does that even mean? That we'll let him die?! Am I seriously the only one who cares for him?"

Jinyoung sighs. This is not his place to say anything. But only if Youngjae knew. Not even Jaebum knows that Jinyoung is well aware of _who_ he's in love with. They've known each other for so long, of course Jinyoung knows. He can tell from the way he's looking at the younger boy. He can tell from the way his lips curve into the softest smile when he hears Youngjae sing his heart out. It's so painfully obvious to him and so painful to know. Because Youngjae, the boy that cares for Jaebum so deeply, is the reason their leader is dying. And he can't tell him that.

"If I could do anything, I would, Youngjae. I care for him more than you can even imagine. But there's nothing we can do to help him."

But the younger doesn't give up. "It can be removed, surgery. He'll forget the person he's in love with. He'll be fine again."

 _That_ Jinyoung didn't know. His eyes widen. They can't do that. They're supposed to debut soon and Youngjae is in the band, he can't just forget him. "That's not an option, in his case."

"That's not up to you to decide, fortunately." Youngjae mumbles, obviously upset. "I thought you'd help me but I was wrong. I'm not going to let him die, I love him too much."

Just as the door closes behind him, Jinouyng breaks down. "No, you actually don't."

***

An hour seems like an eternity. When the doctor said that he had something he needed to tell him, Jaebum couldn't know that it would take this long for the doctor to get here. He's feeling a bit better, surprisingly, only coughed up few petals and his throat burns way less. He doesn't know if he should be happy or worried. Is he getting better or is this one of the last good days before he dies?

He still hasn't told his parents. The big boss himself asked him several times for permission so he could tell them, they deserve to know, but Jaebum is scared.

They don't have to know just yet. There's no way they can prepare for his death anyway. He doesn't want to see them suffer. It's better for them not to know until he's gone.

The door opens and the doctor steps in, cheeks red and heavy breathes. "I'm so sorry I tried to get here as soon as I could but the trafic-"

"It's okay," Jaebum smiles softly at him and sits up, giving the doctor some space to sit on. "What did you want to tell me then?"

"We found a way to remove the tree," he says, slow and careful. "But it has its consequences."

"Such as?" He doesn't want to sound hopeful, but if there's a chance that he can get better - he'll take it. He's willing to take the risk and face the consequences.

"Once the tree is removed, so are your memories of the person you love. You won't remember them, you won't feel anything. And it'd be for the best to stay away from them so it doesn't come back."

Jaebum freezes. He can't forget Youngjae. There's no way. Even if he does and undergoes the surgery, he can't stay _away_ from him. They're in a band. Together.

He doesn't want to live without that laugh, without the wide smile, without that angelic voice. He's so in love and it's hurting him in the worst way possible. "I don't think that's an option, doctor."

"But you will _die._ "

"I'm not afraid."

The truth is, he's terrified.

***

_The music was so loud that the ground was shaking. He could feel his insides buzzing with every beat  drop. He was looking around, looking for any familiar face but there was so many people that he couldn't see anyone's face yet alone someone's familiar._

_"This is crazy!"  he heard just by his ear and he shreeked, turning around. Youngjae laughed, leaning against Jaebum's shoulder. His cheeks were red, probably from drinking too much alcohol. He was also very clingy, which didn't happen very often. They weren't that close. "I've never seen so many people at one place." Youngjae continues and Jaebum can smell the faint hint of liquor in his breath. Not off-putting at all,for some reason._

_"None of the annual parties I've been to was ever this huge." Jaebum yelled, trying to be louder than the music. Youngjae chuckled, nuzzling Jaebum's shoulder and the older boy's heart skipped a beat. "You should go home and sleep." he said and the younger one looked up at him with his huge puppy eyes._

_"But I am not sleepy, hyung," he whined and pouted. Jaebum wanted to kiss that pout away. The thought itself scared him. He knew that Youngjae was cute and handsome and maybe, deep down, he knew that he was attracted to the younger boy, for reasons unknown to him. But his mind never reacted like that, just to a plain sight of the younger boy clinging to him for his dear life._

_"You really should go home," he choked out. "You'll be really tired tomorrow."_

_Youngjae pouted even more and Jaebum couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry." he mumbled right before he kissed the younger. He didn't pull away._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, you might be thinking - Andy what the ever loving fuck did we just read? what does this mean?   
> and fear not my children, I don't really know either. I guess we will have to wait to find out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooo woooo guess who finally decided on the number of chapters? There's a hint: It's me.  
> Okay, if you like this mess, please leave comments and kudos. Thanks babes.  
> (what do you think that the ending of the story will be? Because I personally don't know yet :D )

Her long hair tickles his bare shoulder but he doesn't have the heart to push her away. She's been through so much crap already just for dating him. Youngjae wishes he never brought her into this mess. Into this fight that is just his to fight, to win.

Looking at her sleeping face reminds him of what Jaebum said after they kissed. It seems like ages ago.

_"I'm not the right one for you, Youngjae,we can't keep doing this."_

_"Because we're idols?"_

_"Because we're both men. You know what korean society is like. They'd tear us apart."_

_"But you like me?"_

_"I'll never stop."_

He did. He did stop. He moved on and fell in love with someone else who caused...whatever this hanahaki is. He gave his heart to someone else.

"I didn't forget." He whispers, staring at the photo in his hands. It's from the day they were told they'd be in the same band. Jaebum's wide smile shines brighter than the Sun. "You said you'd never stop." He keeps talking. "Love me. Keep loving _me._ "

He then checks if Jiyoon is still asleep and sighs. "I try to tell myself otherwise but,...I still love you."

***

Jaebum sits up, the pain in his chest getting unbearable. He coughs, thinking that this is it, it's his end. He chokes on nothing, his throat clenching on air.  Another wave of pain bursts behind his breast bone, his entire chest on fire and then he feels it, another flower getting stuck in his throat. He opens his mouth a bit more, reaching in with two of his fingers. His gag reflex kicks in and he gags but reaches even deeper until the tips of his fingers touch the silky petals of the flower. He tries to take a hold of it and starts pulling it upwards, up his throat. His gag reflex kicks in again and he throws up, all over his bed sheets. Only flowers, mess of blue petals everywhere.

He takes a deep breath in only to realize he can't feel the branches scratching his insides anymore. He frowns, breathing rapidly in and out only not to feel anything anyway. His phone beeps and he glances at it, seeing a new text message.

From Youngjae.

His chest tightens but he still can't feel the familiar scratch of the tree.

_I know you told me not to talk about it ever again but do you remember the time we kissed?_

***

_"But you like me?" Jaebum wanted to laugh. Of fucking course he did. He was so crazy about the younger boy. All he wanted to was to hug him and kiss him so more. But they couldn't afford that. They both were soon to be idols. The big boss would probably fire them. They wouldn't let them debut. He can't let that happen. Youngjae deserves a debut. He worked his ass off and there's no one who deserves it more. Or maybe he was just biased._

_"I will never stop."_

_Youngjae smiled widly and the older boy sighed. "But you should find yourself a girlfriend. Or something. To move on. We can't be together and you know it baby."_

_Youngjae nodded. He knew. He understood. It's not like he had any other option. He was falling in love with his hyung. And he had to stop. It hurt. It hurt so bad._

_"So we'll just pretend this never happened?" He was scared to look at Jaebum all of a sudden. He didn't want to see his crush's facial expression. He didn't want to see the regret. The shame. All of those feelings that came with what happened the previous night._

_Youngjae is suddely so angry at Jaebum. He was the one who minded his own business, Jaebum decided to ruin that all with trying to talk to him and spend time with him and Youngjae is still just a naive human, and he fell in love._

_"We don't have to pretend, Yjae." Jaebum said softly. "I just dont want to ruin your future."_

_Youngjae scoffed. "Is this what it's about?"_

_"Don't make this harder than it already is."_

_Needless to say, Youngjae avoided him for the whole following week._

_***_

"The tree stopped growing." The doctor says simply. Jaebum frowns. Then his entire face lights up. "Could that be-?"

"I wouldn't get too excited mister Lim. We don't know if it stopped growing because you're getting better or of it's just its final state. Moreover, you said that you still feel the need to vomit?"

"Yes. But nothing comes out. It just tickles a lot and then I gag and- nothing."

He doesn't want to get his hopes up. But he's dying and anything is better than thinking about it. Maybe Youngjae started liking him after all. He knows he fucked up many months ago, when he kissed him and then told him to pretend like nothing happened. He knows that he ruined his chances right then and there, before the younger could even get feelings for him. But maybe he changed his mind. He texted him last night after all.

Not that Jaebum responded. He tried to go back to sleep even though his mind didn't stop wandering to that night, to the stupid party.

He wants to grab his phone and text Youngjae, ask him. But then he remembers that Youngjae has a girlfriend that he obviously very much likes and that likes him back. There's nothing he can do about that or even wants to do about that.

He looks back at the doctor who just sits there, silent.

"I made my decision, doctor."

The older man gestures for him to continue.

"I want to get it removed."

It will be for the best. So he won't debut as a singer, he doesn't. The big JYP offered him a job as a producer after all. Or maybe he should just go back home and get a proper job, to avoid Youngjae completely.

He doesn't want to die.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. This is the end. Huge thanks to anyone who read this, left kudos, commented, etc. It means a world to me.   
> Please leave some feedback under this mess, let me know what you think. ILY. xx

It's a miracle. He's getting better.  Well, not really better, he just stopped coughing up petals and the tree is not growing, but at least something, right?

The doctors are confused and so is he. If Youngjae loves him back, the tree should disappear. That's how it is. He should get better immediately. But it didn't disappear, it's still there and he doesn't know what is going on.

Maybe he's dying. Maybe these are his last good days. And the more he thinks about it, the more he wants to get it removed. Just to be sure.

He texted Jinyoung, telling him to bring the rest of the members along because he needed to tell them something. After that, he called the big boss himself and told him what is going on and about his plan.

"Are you sure? Do you really want to leave, Jaebum-ah? You'd be an amazing producer."

"I need to leave," Jaebum sighs. "The reason I am so sick is in JYP and I need to get away from them as far as I can."

JYP hums in understanding. "Well, the offer is still on. If you ever decide to come back, I'll take you back more than happily."

Jaebum laughs. "Thank you, I really appreciate it."

"Don't mention it. Just... take care, alright? We'll all miss you."

"So will I."

When the members come in, he feels weird. Sad. Jinyoung is the first to enter the room, with their giant maknae peeking over his shoulder. Then Mark and Jackson, then Bam, only few steps behind them. He leaves the door open and nods at someone who's outside the room. Then Youngjae finally comes in.  Jaebum's chest tightens uncomfortably.

"How are you feeling, hyung?" Yugyeom asks, sitting on the edge of the bed. Jaebum can't really tell them the truth, because he doesn't know what it means. What really is the truth.

"That's what I wanted to talk about with you all." he smiles at them weakly. His chest burns as he can feel the main vocalist stare at him. "I'm not getting any better. But there's a way to make it go away, I can be all good again."

Youngjae frowns, as if he knows something Jaebum doesn't. He looks away from his face and looks back at the maknae who stares at him with hopeful eyes.

"I need to get it removed, surgically. And after that.."

Jinyoung coughs nervously. "They don't really know what's wrong with you, you gotta tell them."

So Jaebum does, he tells them about hanahaki, and about the petals and then he mentions the surgery that he decided to undergo. "There's a big downside though," he sighs, his chest tightening even more, it almost hurts. "I will forget the person I am in love now. I've been thinking about it for days, and this is the only way to get better. And because there's no guarantee that it won't come back, I need to leave the company."

Jackson gasps and Jaebum looks at him, biting his lip. "Jack-"

"No. You can't leave Jaebum hyung. You...you can't! You're the leader!"

"Someone else can be the leader. Come on guys. It's either that or death."

No one says a word. Jaebum dares to look at Youngjae who just shakes his head and leaves the room without a word.

He tries to hold back the tears. Jinyoung pulls him into a hug and Jaebum breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably. They're all quiet.

***

Youngjae met Jiyoon two months ago. They were both brokenhearted and got on really well. She helped him when he was feeling down because of Jaebum and soon enough, Youngjae realized that he liked her. She was his best friend, still is. But thinking about it now, Youngjae knows that he's never really liked her the way he likes Jaebum. Sure, he tried to convince himself that he does, that he loves her, that she is the one. But it's just not true. He believed it himself for like two weeks but not anymore. Seeing Jaebum like that, knowing that he's like that because someone won't give him the love he needs, he deserves, is tearing him apart because he's right _there_ and he likes, he still likes him.

But knowing that he's not the one broke his heart and he keeps telling himself that he doesn't love him, not anymore.

Jiyoon looks up at him from her book and as soon as she sees his face, her smile falls down. She knows. How could she not.

"I'm sorry," he says, quiet. His mind is racing and he wants to cry because Jaebum will be gone, in few days. And he was selfish and left without saying goodbye. She hugs him and once again, he feels safe in her arms.

"It'll all be better in the end, you'll see."

***

The surgery was difficult, long and dangrous, but successful in the end. Jinyoung waits in the waiting room, Jaebum's mom next to him. He tells her everything, about the disease and about the things they need to do now, he tells her that he needs to stay away from JYP and she nods, promising she'll take care of him.

When he wakes up, they're there, Jinyoung holds his hand and Jaebum smiles weakly. "If it wasn't for the accident,I still could dance. And sing. I still could be with you all guys."

The surgery must have messed up with his brain but Jinyoung says nothing, if this makes sense to Jaebum, he doesn't need to know the truth, he can't.

"Where's Mark? And Jackson? And Bam with Yugyeom?"

"They had to go back to practicing. But hyung let me to be here with you."

Jaebum nods and Jinyoung sighs in relief when he realizes that he really doesn't remember Youngjae.

Two days later, Jaebum leaves with his mom back to Goyang. Jinyoung cries as he waves at him until the car is gone and he cries when he comes back to the dorms. Youngjae looks at him and he nods. _Yes. He's gone._ And then they both cry. They both lost his best friend. And even though he's still alive and healthy, he won't ever come back. That's what hurts Jinyoung the most.

Youngjae rubs his eyes sleepily, tired from all the crying. "It took me a while to admit but.." he sighs, then takes a deep breath in. "I wish I was the one who hyung was in love with. Because then I could give him all the love he needs. I admitted it to myself this morning when I was thinking about my life without him. I was in denial for so long, but there's no point in lying to myself anymore. I love him. I was trying to deny it, I was trying to convince myself I love Jiyoon, but it's always been him."

Jinyoung looks at him, biting the inside of his cheek. "You idiot."

****

The clock on his phone says that it's three p.m. just as he steps into the convenience store. It's warm in there, a sharp contrast to the cold weather outside. He can't wait for the spring to come.

"Do you want anything, mom?" he asks and she shakes her head, looking around anxiously.

"We should hurry up."

"It's okay, we have enough time. The performance starts in four hours." She frowns at him and he chuckles, grabbing two bottles of watter and a chocolate bar. "Okay,okay, we can go now. Why are you so nervous anyway?"

"It's just..this city. I don't like it."

He puts his stuff on down and the cashier starts scanning it. "What? Why? What's wrong with Seoul, mom?" then he sighs and hands the cashier his credit card. "I haven't been here for four years. Let me enjoy this, yea? I promise we'll go back home tomorrow. I worked super hard to afford this trip for the two of us."

His mom sighs and smiles at him sadly. "I know. I'm sorry."

Just as they're about to leave, the bell rings as an another customer comes in, a young girl right behind him. Jaebum looks at the guy and smiles while the stranger freezes, eyes wide, shaking.

"Youngjae, come on, please." the girl tugs on his sleeve, sounding anxious herself. "Please!"

"Are you okay?" Jaebum asks the guy, Youngjae apparently. The other guy opens his mouth just to start coughing furiously. He covers his mouth and falls down on his knees. Jaebum quickly walks over to him, putting his hand on the guy's shoulder, worried. "Are you okay, man? Should I call the ambulance?"

The girl pushes Jaebum away, gently. "I can take care of him, thank you for your concern."

"But he's obviously not okay, can I-"

Then the sound of the guy choking interrupts him. He looks at the shorter man in horror as a single red petal falls from his mouth.


End file.
